In the first volume of Steven C. Gull’s long-running saga we heard how Squire Teflon helped Mistress Bones with funding for her dream to bring a World Record Beating Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink to Smalltown, in return for a favour or two or 16,000. They had agreed to keep their relationship a secret from significant others, friends and the residents and electorate of Smalltown.
Following a hugely unsuccessful opening event, which attracted huge amounts of Town Council funding and small crowds, the World Record Beating Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink opened and, a few short weeks later, closed again.
We rejoin the dynamic duo to find them hard at work making a silk purse out of a pig’s ear as they try to convince everyone that the Rink was a huge success and work on a scheme for next year.
Chapter Two
The Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Councillors who make up the Smalltown Small Town Projects Committee were seated at the big round table at Hayloft Road Palace. Mistress Bones entered the room and took a seat at the back. Squire Teflon gave her a huge wink and mouthed the words “My little love doughball” at her.
The Clerk asked if anyone needed to declare an interest in any of the items on the agenda. Squire Teflon stared fixedly at his Mistress and pretended not to hear.
Eventually the meeting moved on to discuss the world record beating Olympic-Sized swimming pool and ice rink.
Squire Teflon rose to his feet, cleared his throat (he’d had a rather annoying hair lodged in there for days) and said “I’m not a member of this group and I’m certainly not a very close friend of anyone that is, but I’d like to thank the members for all their hard work. The rink was a wonderful facility that brought extra people into Smalltown and gave many families a lot of enjoyment over the Christmas period.”
Councillor Fencesitter frowned and consulted his notes. “I’ve taken a long look at the accounts and pressed lots of buttons on one of those new-fangled calculus machines. According to my workings out the total income from the rink was £29,500, of which £17,500 was due to grants from the Town Council and Sedgemoor. The total expenditure was £20,846. Usage of the skating rink was expected to produce a revenue of £11,172 but the actual figure was £6,637 so there was a significant over-estimate of the income that was going to be received.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but instead of the rink actually making a profit, it actually made a loss in the end of about £8,000. The outcome was not as good as we had hoped for.
What we did say before we handed over the biggest amount we’ve ever given to an organisation, apart from our own marvellous White Elephant Enclosure, was that the grant would be given on the proviso that if there was insufficient profit from this year and therefore next year could not go ahead, the income could come back to the Town Council.
I would suggest that this is what has happened. If this is repeated next year then the £8,000 currently in the group’s bank account would be spent and this Council would have to give a further £8, 000 in grant funding.”
Squire Teflon turned to look at Cllr Fencesitter and narrowed his eyes. “I am not representing the group here. Absolutely nothing to do with me, but the £16,000 that was given last year in grant funding was basically for the rink itself and staffing the rink. That amount actually came to £17,070 which we funded ourselves, but all the extras such as the advertising which we didn’t do, the fairy lights which we didn’t put up, the refreshments which we didn’t have and everything else was funded by mine and Mistress Bones’ Smalltown and Dullbridge Duplicated Events Social Team (SADDEST).”
Squire Teflon turned to look at his fellow Illiberal Party Councillors. “Have you all got the comments I gave you earlier?”
Cllr Jane NotBothered leapt to her feet “I entirely agree that it has been a marvellous thing. We have been exalted in many directions to always promote, assist and encourage any form of activity that brings visitors to the town any time of the year.
Cllr Fencesitter is too serious and doesn’t know what he’s saying. In simple terms, if we gave SaDDEST £21,000 and they have £8,000 left then they’ve made a profit.”
Cllr Eloise Barking added “As the only member of the Town Council in the leisure and tourism business, I don’t have a problem with these figures in general. If I do something new I don’t always expect to see a profit for a couple of years at least. So if SaDDEST did make a loss then it’s an acceptable loss Although I agree, they didn’t make a loss. Only profit.
“Didn’t SaDDEST do a wonderful job?” Cllr Dick Trolley said, “I think we should congratulate them on only losing over £23,000. I really hope the Rink opens again this year.”
“The first year is always a difficult year but they have proved they have support by raising £12,000 on top of the council money and I was impressed at the support shown” Cllr Michael Box said. “I would be happy to let them keep the £12,000 profit and let them have a second year.”
Cllr Hoggtie agreed “The report is better than I anticipated. The authors have written a superb piece of fiction here. It’s always difficult turning a profit into a loss, but I think SaDDEST has managed it.
Squire Teflon looked delighted “If we get the go-ahead for next year from us tonight we would be delighted to come back and work with us and if there’s any experience that we can give to us then we will be more than happy to take it. So can I take it that we all agree with me and will give our support to us running the event again?”
Everyone put their hands up.
At the back of the room Mistress Bones wiped a tear from her eyes.