SomersetClive’s newest contributor Former-Former Prime Minister, Horace Monsoon, is here to help you solve your problems. This week he’s helping a reader with a serious problem.
Dear Horace,
Please help me, I can’t take much more. I am finding it difficult to control my anger over this and I don’t know what to do.
Like yourself, I am a member of the Illiberal Party and probably about as popular as you are. I’ve been having a real problem with members of the BeFuddled Party. I used to be a very important person but since the BeFuddleds swept to power locally, and tipped me off all my chairs, I’ve lost my position.
Recently my main rival in the popularity stakes committed a huge sin. He owned up to allegations of inappropriate behaviour. What a fool! Inspired by you, I’ve always denied any wrong-doing, and his mistake should have given me back my power.
His fellow BeFuddleds promised that they would punish him for his error of judgement and also promised me that they would make public their chosen punishment for his crime.
I was really looking forward to this, as if they threw him out of the party I could reclaim my title as Smalltown’s Most Popular Person and it could also have offered the chance for me to get my close-friend and employer a position on the council.
I was hoping I would be able to publicise his humiliation, highlight his crimes and banish him to oblivion.
It has been almost two months now since he was found guilty and there is still no word from the BeFuddled Party as to what they plan to do. They don’t seem to be able to make up their minds and I’m finding it very frustrating.
They seem to think that if they ignore the problem, and never mention it again, it will go away as people will forget all about it. This is understandable as it has worked for me in the past over matters such as the Missing Rink and Missing Arch, but this current situation is too important to let slide.
What do you suggest I do?
Yours
IwishaIhadaneck
Dear IwishIhadaneck,
This is a conundrum, isn’t it? It seems those dratted BeFuddleds have stolen your ‘How to Silence Critics by Ignoring Them’ handbook and are using all your best ploys to their own advantage.
The longer this wall of silence goes on the more likely it is that they will get away with it.
In the full version of your letter – which I’ve had to cut down for publication, because it ran to 94 pages of your increasingly paranoid thoughts – you mentioned that this matter appeared on an agenda for discussion during a meeting in May and that you were promised that the BeFuddleds would update you with regard to their own sanctions against this person.
However, the most recent agenda has seen the minuted item disappear, with no mention of any update. It is almost as if the BeFuddleds are working with the staff to drop the matter.
Can I suggest you approach the staff and ask for the matter to be included in the agenda for the next meeting? You really don’t want to let this drop.
Perhaps you could also set up your own Independent Inquiry, making sure that only Illiberal Party members are on the panel to be assured of the right outcome. The last thing you want is for members of the BeFuddled Party to give evidence, as it is highly likely that they will bore everyone to death by talking an awful lot, but without actually saying anything.
I can understand your frustration over this, and agree that if you can’t do something now the opportunity will slip away. You really need to be in a position where you can contact the media and tell them how unsuitable this person is to be a Councillor and capitalise on his demise. Unfortunately you should have struck while the iron was hot and made a huge fuss about his behaviour when you had the chance.
You may well have let this window of opportunity slip through your fingers, as it sounds very much as if the BeFuddleds have swept the matter under the carpet and are hoping that it will soon be forgotten in favour of several photo opportunities featuring the Headmistress, Mayor and Dictator drinking tea.
I would suggest you keep bashing away at this behind the scenes, don’t let those BeFuddleds silence you by promising you that they will support your pet projects, telling you that if you don’t mention it again they will increase the budget for any failing entertainment venues for the next four years. This is your chance to get rid of that pesky BeFuddled who stole your crown and your chairs.
Sometimes revenge has to be served hot.
All the best
Horace.