SomersetClive is delighted to bring you the first column penned by our new Agony Aunt, Horace Monsoon. Read on as he tries to help one of our residents facing a tricky problem.
Dear Horace,
I hope you can help me. I’ve found myself in a bit of hot water recently and I’m really worried that this could be the end of my political career.
The problem started last year when it was alleged I made inappropriate comments to a member of staff at Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council. Since then further allegations have come forward with women suggesting that I stare at their breasts and make lewd comments.
I have been staring at women’s breasts and making inappropriate comments since October 1971 and I hadn’t realised that this sort of behaviour is considered taboo in 2023.
I am currently undergoing training to help with my behaviour. I have also been put in Special Measures and am banned from entering my place of work at the Hayloft Road Palace Retirement Home for Bemused and Bewildered BeFuddled Party ex-Teachers (and Others).
However, my fellow BeFuddled Party members are also discussing how they should punish me, with Dictator Dullard insisting that I be put in detention and made to write ‘There is no place for my misogynistic behaviour in the workplace’ 9,400 times.
Her colleague, Deputy Dictator, Cllr Knickers believes that I should be made to read the SaDTC document on ‘Womenopause Policy and Guidance’, which was introduced after a previous member of staff accused me of harassment after I queried her ability to do her job properly.
On that occasion the member of staff resigned her position, but this time the member of staff has announced that she isn’t going anywhere and that it should be me that resigns.
Meanwhile Deputy Dictator Sherry thinks that my punishment should be a public flogging to take place at the White Elephant Enclosure, with tickets sold. She feels that this would see a capacity crowd and would like to make this a regular event, taking place every third Wednesday for eternity.
As a man of the world, do you think I should resign, or carry on hiding away until all this blows over?
Regards
Corlookathertits.
Dear Corlookathertits,
I’m really sorry that you’ve found yourself in this position (position! Nudge, nudge, wink, wink). I actually believe that your BeFuddled Party members are in the wrong here.
You are following a great line of BeFuddled Party members. It is completely normal for those of a political persuasion to act in this manner.
You need to remind your BeFuddled colleagues of the behaviour of your esteemed leader Paddy Pantsdown. He behaved in a similar manner, but was forgiven all his sins and found that the female members of the BeFuddled Party actually queued up to have him admire their physique.
Where would we be if we couldn’t admire a woman’s assets? We’d be in Sushi Runak’s gang of woke-thinking copycat politicians who dare not pay a woman a compliment, and forced to appear before a kangaroo court of trumped up charges, that’s where.
For now, I would remain in your hiding place – if you are worried that it may be discovered I can thoroughly recommend that you keep a fridge within two foot of you wherever you go. You may find lugging a fridge around to be a bit of a faff, but I can assure you that it’s really easy to jump into it when questions get tough, and you will thank me for this tip later.
Try and persuade your fellow BeFuddleds that your crime isn’t that heinous, the men will be easy to persuade – what man amongst us hasn’t let slip (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) with an inappropriate comment? The ladies may be a bit trickier, especially if you have never directed an inappropriate comment towards them.
You could try buttering them up (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) with a few comments to get them onside. Perhaps offer Dictator Dullard a lovely cup of tea, tell Deputy Dictator Sherry that you agree that the WEE is an important asset and ask Cllr Knickers if she can help you put on your bicycle clips, because you’ve embraced her Climate Rescue Action Plan (CRAP) and have ditched your car.
If all else fails denounce the decision of the All-New-Yet-Unimproved Somerset Cuonty Council’s Standards Board as ‘deeply flawed’, resign from the BeFuddled Party and either force a by-election or announce that from now on you will be acting as an independent Councillor and member of The I Love BigTits Party.
Good luck
Horace Monsoon