The long awaited trial of Smalltown’s Most Popular Person (Dullbridge Public Enemy No.1), Jock McCads came to an end today, after McCads appeared before a Kangaroo Court charged with ‘Leering Behaviour, Misogynistic Attitudes and Bullying’.
The case, which was brought before the All-New-Yet-Unimproved Somerset Cuonry Council Standards Board, saw the Smalltown and Dullbridge Smalltown Administration Deputy (SADSAD) Eileen Mutton, accuse McCads of “having a crush” on her.
Miss Mutton had first taken her complaint to BeFuddled Party Councillors Dictator Dullard and Deputy Dictator Eugenie Sherry, both of whom were horrified by the accusations against their fellow BeFuddled Councillor McCads and have refused to speak to him since the allegations first surfaced.
The pair felt that trying to resolve the issue internally was beyond their capabilities and recommended that Miss Mutton immediately make a formal complaint to the Standards Board, on the basis that Cllr McCads had breached the Town Council’s Code of Conduct.
In her statement to the Standards Board, Miss Mutton claimed that Cllr McCads had made several inappropriate comments regarding her breasts and had on occasion brushed against her arm, which had left her feeling violated, humiliated and vulnerable. She said that on one occasion he had asked her to cover up, because the sight of her breasts was making him “feel uncomfortable” .
In reply, Cllr McCads claimed that Miss Mutton had a habit of dressing in such a fashion that he found it very difficult to look at her face. He said that whilst it may have looked as if his eyes were on stalks and that he was conducting conversations with her chest, this was far from true, as he was consciously trying not to look at the goods on display.
Putting forward her prosecution case Miss Mutton said “Whenever he comes into the Hayloft Road Palace Retirement Home for Bemused and Bewildered BeFuddled Party ex-Teachers (and Others) he always makes a bee-line for me, because I’m often the only person there. It’s as if he can’t leave me alone.
On one particular occasion last year, which took place shortly after Corvid restrictions had been lifted, he came barging into the office demanding to know what was going on with the Grant Applications.
Both the Executive Customer Service Supervisor (ExCuSeS), Ellen Surly and myself had requested that all Councillors should make an appointment to see us, because that way we would know when they were coming and could make an effort to look busy, rather than being caught napping at our desks. Cllr McCads ignored that request.
Cllr McCads had applied for funding for his Mad Hatter’s Tea Party event. Due to Corvid, the Committee meeting to decide grant funding hadn’t been held and we were very short staffed due to the high number of resignations. Despite not having received the funding Cllr McCads had gone ahead and organised his event because he felt the funds would be forthcoming.
Cllr McCads wanted me to approach the Smalltown Temporary Executive Administration Manager (STEAM), Con Slurs, to ask if Mr Slurs could give him some money from a different budget.Cllr McCads told me that if I were to dress in a provocative manner, get my t1ts out and push them into Mr Slurs face there would be no way he would be able to deny the request.
I told him I wasn’t prepared to do that and he then suggested that if I wasn’t going to get them out for Mr Slurs then perhaps I should consider putting them away now. He told me that “this is Smalltown, not Santa Fe” and then proceeded to tell me about how women in Santa Fe parade through the streets totally naked.”
Cllr McCads refuted her claims saying “I did nae such thing. I only accused her of muddering the SaD Town Council dress code.
At the time Miss Mutton was employed in a forward facing customer service position and was the first person you saw when entering the office. I felt her habit of letting it all hang out and resting her considerable decolletage on the desk didnae give the right impression to visitors.
I didnae say anything about naked women on the streets of Santa Fe. It was San Tropez. I told her that in San Tropez anything goes dress wise and people do walk around semi-naked. But then it’s very hot in San Tropez.
With regard to the claim that I was abusing my position as a Councillor to get preferential treatment for a grant application, Miss Mutton is well aware that I wear two different hats. When I’m talking about SaD Town Council matters I am clearly wearing my Tam o’Shanter. But I always take that off and replace it with my Top Hat with the 10/6 label when I discuss my Tea Parties.”
Cllr McCads then proceeded to take out a shovel and began to dig an even bigger hole, telling the panel “Her style of dress reminded me a lot of Pamela Anderson and I felt she could make use of that, when asking the STEAM about whether money could be found elsewhere in the budget for my Tea Party.”
A member of the panel asked Cllr McCads to qualify his comment.
“Ye ken – Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, Sophia Loren. The way they all used their sex appeal to get what they wanted. That was all I was suggesting.”
The panel of six men spent over an hour deliberating the charges, before the Chairman declared that on the balance of probability it was likely that Cllr McCads had leered at and made lewd suggestions towards Miss Mutton.
In mitigation, Cllr McCads solicitor asked the panel to take Cllr McCads’ age into account saying “He’s nearly eighty! Who amongst us doesn’t have a grandfather who sometimes makes comments that make us cringe? He can’t help not knowing what inappropriate behaviour is.”
The panel concluded that Cllr McCads had broken the SaD Town Council code of conducting with regard to Leering Behaviour and Misogynistic Attitudes. However. They further declared that the bullying claim was verging on borderline, as it had only occurred on one or two occasions, which was far less than the claims of bullying levelled at Squire Teflon and which he had never been punished for.
The suggestion that he had abused his position as a Councillor by asking about grant funding was rejected, as the panel accepted Cllr McCads claim that he had been wearing his Mad Hatter Topper at the time, which was markedly different to his Tam o’Shanter.
The panel agreed to impose the following sanctions on Councillor McCads:-
- That SaD Town Council send him on an appropriate training course, to undergo conversion therapy to prevent conversation when faced with a member of the opposite sex. Particularly those with large bubbly, jubbly, bouncy bits.
- That he be banned from watching repeats of ‘The Benny Hill Television Show’ with immediate effect.
- That he does not attend the Hayloft Road Palace Retirement Home for Bemused and Bewildered BeFuddled Party ex-Teachers (and Others) for any other reason than to attend a meeting until he has completed his training.
- That he never again mentions the words ‘bikini’, ‘bra’ or ‘breasts’ when in polite company.
- That he stands down from all Committees until his training has been completed.
- Councillor McCads must further write an abject, genuine apology to Miss Mutton which must include the word ‘Sorry’ at least 94 times.
SomersetClive will be bringing you more on this story, including reactions from those involved, once we’ve all changed out of our dresses and into something more suitable.