Squire Teflon’s close-friend and employer Mistress Bones and Lady Brassy of Easton-under-Water’s Smalltown Shops (SS) group has been strangely silent since before Christmas, with the SS AceCrook page now being used solely to advertise Lady Brassy’s charity shop and cast-off clothing business and Mistress Bones search for people to deliver newspapers for her Newspaper and Tat Emporium.
A source, who asked us not to name them for fear of reprisals said “Last year members of the SS group all had to donate Easter Eggs to Mistress Bones so that she could give them out to the residents of the Smalltown Posh Electoral ward to try to boost her chances of being elected, but after failing to secure a seat she didnt bother to repeat the exercise this year.
We were told that the SS wouldn’t be organising any events for the Easter holiday, but would instead concentrate on a Celebratory Coronation Celebration.
However we have now discovered that, following her epic meltdown at Christmas when Lady Brassy accused us all of doing nothing to promote our shops ourselves, we aren’t going to be doing anything to celebrate the Coronation Celebration.
Lady Brassy told us that she would be putting in an application to Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council for money to fund the closure of Smalltown Main Street for a week in order to hold another of her never-ending fun days with FREE cake, but when she discovered the maximum amount which could be awarded was only £500 she decided not to bother.
She told us that £500 wouldn’t cover the cost of the FREE cake, let alone the erection of Squire Teflon’s greasy Maypole, so the SS aren’t going to do anything.
It’s a good job the Smalltown Chamber of Trade (SCOT) are more willing to promote businesses in the town. They managed to secure £150 of SaD Council funding to hold a ‘Spot the Royal Odd One Out’ shop window competition in Smalltown and Dullbridge, although as yet we don’t know which shop will be hosting HRH Prince Handrew, The Duke of Pork.”
SomersetClive contacted Lady Brassy for comment and she said “I’ve totally, totally, totally had it with that lot. They sit back and expect me, me, me to do all the work. I have my own lovely, lovely, lovely little, little, little business to promote and I’m far, far, far too busy doing that.”
The SCOT organised ‘Spot the Royal Odd One Out’ will run for two weeks but younger female residents who spot HRH Prince Handrew are reminded that they should not approach him unless they are carrying pepper spray.
Are there any shops left in Dullbridge apart from Asda? We thought they’d all been pulled down. Or turned into bedsits.