During the recent Town Council’s Annual Meeting, (no, that’s wrong, it wasn’t a Town Council meeting, it was the Annual Towns Meeting. Totally different, even if it was taken over by the Town Council) Smalltown and Dullbridge Headmistress, Mayor and Dictator looked back at her first year in charge.
Dictator Dullard read out her essay ‘My Year in Charge‘ and appeared oblivious to the glazed eyes and sounds of snoring in the room.
Dictator Dullard said “What an amazing year you have all had with me in charge. I have drunk lovely cups of tea to celebrate the Queen’s Jubilee and will soon be drinking more lovely cups of tea to celebrate the coronation of the King.
This new Town Council was formed in May last year and one of the first things I did was take advantage of the naivety of my fellow councillors and grab the position of Headmistress, Mayor and Dictator because after all, I AM a Headmistress and they all lack any experience of being in charge.
I think you will all agree that you have all been very lucky to have me in charge. You could have ended up with one of those sort of people who talks about nothing but themselves and pushes their way to the front of every photo opportunity. How awful would that have been?
I would like to thank all the councillors for trying to do what they were elected to do and the Council staff for doing the job they are paid to do. I could single out their contributions and name them, but instead I’m only going to publicly thank the one person who, in my opinion, has made the best contribution. That person is me. You may all cheer and clap now.
When I first took control of Smalltown and Dullbridge I set myself three tasks:-
- To introduce homework for residents. It had come to my attention that many of the residents in Smalltown and Dullbridge were quietly getting on with their lives, completely oblivious to the fact that I exist. I have therefore made the most of the opportunity to promote myself whenever possible and will soon be requiring all residents to take an NVQ in ‘Our Mayor and How Wonderful She Is.’ I expect everyone to pass, otherwise there will be detentions.
- To encourage the Youth of the towns to attend school on Saturdays and form their very own Council. I held a series of events which included sweets, certificates, medals and trophies to encourage the attendance of our Youth. Unfortunately our Youth were not in the least bit interested in forming their own Council, so I am going to have to resort to threats and intimidation to get this idea off the ground. You WILL form a Youth Council, otherwise you will all be expelled.
- To eventually make the idea of Committee Meetings redundant. I really don’t believe that the current Committee approach to decision making is necessary. Not when I can simply make every decision on my own, without the need for input from councillors or electors. I have had some success with this approach, not least in the matter of the ‘Dangerous Tree’ on the corner of Vicarage and Barrow Road, but I will continue to make inroads into abolishing all Committees in favour of Dictator Decisions.
I have thrown a number of parties over the past year, giving residents the opportunity to come along and celebrate me. I am sure everyone lucky enough to receive an invitation to one of my events realised exactly how privileged they were to be in my presence.
As the Most Important Person in Smalltown I am… “
(Note: Headmistress, Mayor and Dictator Cllr Dullard continued in a similar vein (vain?) for another 49 minutes, but your trusty reporter fell asleep at this point. Don’t worry though, the Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council website will carry the full report at some point. If the budget will run to the increase in Internet storage space.)