Members of the Illiberal Party have confirmed that Squire Teflon is currently “unbearably smug”, after he sailed through the first round of selection to become an Illiberal Party Member of Parliament.
“It’s awful“, said one Illiberal Party member, “Teflon said he’s been through one of the most very intense levels of scrutiny in his life and he claims he has come out of it smelling of roses.”
It is believed that the Squire faced intensive questioning from the Smells Illiberal Party Constituency Selection Committee about his suitability to stand as a Member of Parliament and lied through his back teeth to gain approval.
How else to explain how a man with a long-term problem with alcohol, a record for lying to Scrutiny Panels, with countless extra-marital affairs notched up on his bed post, with a record for ignoring conflicts of interest including persuading other councillors to agree to schemes likely to benefit his close-friend Mistress Bones.
As well as the Squire pretending that he isn’t in a relationship with Mistress Bones (Deputy Chairperson of the Smells Illiberal Party branch), which began when he was still married, he has also continued to deny that he works in Mistress Bones Newspaper and Tat Emporium, even though he is often spotted around Smalltown delivering newspapers.
This is a man who has bullied Council staff, councillors and residents who have dared to question him, often resorting to intimidation to get his own way, before playing the ‘victim’ card to get out of the mess he’s made.
Our source continued “He’s both a snake and a rat, with the morals of an alley-cat. How he has survived this long I have no idea, but he’s really not a suitable candidate for an MP. I can only assume that the selection panel are both blind and deaf.”
It has been suggested that the “very intense level of scrutiny” could only have been to answer questions relating to his name, age and address, as it is unbelievable to think that, unless he lied through his teeth, Squire Teflon would have been able to dodge questions relating to the skeletons in his closet.
However, it should be noted that a very long list of previous and current Illiberal Party MPs hold the same moral standards as Squire Teflon, so perhaps he is eminently suited to the role.
When asked to comment Squire Teflon said “I am a very happy Squire Teflon.”