CliveNation in conjunction with SomersetClive is proud to present the Christmas Pantomime, with an all-star cast and seats more comfortable than those at the White Elephant Enclosure, we invite you to join us for an amateur production of the world premiere of The Princess and the Forty Thieves. Showing thrice daily.
Our story opens deep in the heart of Somerset, where the Squire of Teflon rules the sleepy little villages of Smallvillia and Dullford with a rod. Of iron.
The Squire is used to getting his own way and woe-betide anyone who foils his plans for the Squire is not to be crossed.
The Squire purchased a Princess from Baron McGoat for a single gold coin many years ago and since then the villagers of Smallvillia and Dullford have paid through the nose for this folly.
Princess Wranglers have been and gone, trying to tame the Princess and bring her spending under control, but to no avail. What can be done?
Act Two. Scene Eleven.
Lights go up and stage revolves to reveal the Squire’s bedroom. The Squire is being consoled by the Pantomime Cow, played by his close-friend Mistress Bones. (Unfortunately, the SomersetClive budget wouldn’t cover the cost of the whole costume, so Mistress Bones is appearing as the rear end of the cow. We apologise to those viewers of a nervous disposition. Refunds are NOT available.)
Squire – Oh my darling, oh my dear,
The villagers don’t seem to like me here.
I seem to have completely lost my grip
No longer do they respond to my whip.
They’ve realises my Princess is a sham.
I am a truly broken man.
Back end of the Cow – Oh Squire, Squire don’t be glum.
Come and sit upon my bum.
You can ride me every which way
And upon my udders you can play.
Squire – But I’m feeling so bereft
Now my Princess Wrangler has left
Those BeFuddleds want my Princess to be cheap
It’s enough to make a grown man weep.
Back in the olden days of yore
I had full control and more.
Now I simply don’t have a clue
What those BeFuddleds plan to do.
Will they keep my Princess or get rid?
Sell her off to the highest bid?
I can’t stand this hesitation.
I fell I’ve undergone castration.
Back end of the Cow – Come now Squire, drown your sorrow
Things will look far better tomorrow.
Have a massive glass of whiskey.
That will make you very frisky!
Drink up, drink up, an empty glass
Then play a tune upon my arse.
Squire – Oh Mistress Bones I do declare
You’re wearing sexy underwear!
There’s nothing quite like you in stockings
To get blood to my organ flocking.
You make me forget my bad luck
Quick, on the bed, let’s have a… ruck.
The lights are abruptly switched off.