Local residents have been reporting a series of low rumblings and thunder in Smalltown, with the epicentre reportedly in the Kidlington and Jetty Street area of the town, prompting fears that dormant volcano, Mount Teflon, may be very close to disruption once again.
The mountain is known to erupt regularly, but is considered dormant as few of its puffs of smoke amount to much more than a minor distraction for locals. However, an increase in seismic activity in the bowels of the mountain appear to be building up to a more significant explosion and this time there is a strong possibility that it could spontaneously combust, with experts predicting that this could happen over the festive season.
It is believed that Mount Teflon has already been issuing a number of threatening noises which is always a strong indication that something is afoot. Residents are reminded not to be intimidated by this as the Smalltown Area Ship, Hovercraft and Helicopter (SMASHH) rescue organisation has recently undergone specialist training and will be on hand to mop up any spills.
It is unknown exactly what has caused this recent uptick in activity, but experts believe it may be linked to the recent resignation of the Smalltown Culture and Arts Manager (SCAM) together with an increase in activity on Media Tycoon Mike Maxman’s award-winning and popular (Ed – Steve, my office NOW.) news website Smalltown-and-Dullbridge-SaD.com by residents keen to point out the volcano’s inadequacies.
Amateur vulcanologists continue to monitor Mount Teflon from a safe distance, looking for any signs of life. Residents are once again being advised to follow the information in their ‘Protect and Survive’ booklets to keep themselves and their families safe.
Formerly known as Toad Island, the mountain was home to a prehistoric settlement of the Tefloniciae people, a primitive race of polygamous early humans who wielded huge clubs which they tucked into their rudimentary loin cloths. As they grew more aggressive and war-like, so the weapons increased in size until they were unable to carry them in the customary manner. It is this which historians believe gave rise to the saying ‘can’t keep it in their pants‘ which is still applied to descendants of the Tefloniciae today. Later, the mountain was known as Trent Hillock after the founder of an enclave of wealthy locals who were eventually torn apart by planning disputes started by their leader, Rob Cinecamera.
The minor bump on the landscape was finally renamed Mount Teflon at the bidding of Mistress Bones, who has been heard to exclaim the phrase loudly from the seedy depths of the White Elephant Enclosure.