Last night’s Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council White Elephant Enclosure Management Committee meeting saw the Smalltown Culture and Art Manager (SCAM) Debby Karmary present Councillors with what is being called ‘The Greatest Scam Ever‘.
Seeking approval for a budget of £240,000 for 2023/24, the SCAM told them “I forecast that next year the WEE will bring in £50,000. That’s quite a bit of money isn’t it? Wonderful in fact. Almost a thousand pounds a week.
I believe the expenditure during this period will be in the region of (cough) which will leave a deficit of (cough, cough). Therefore I’d like to propose that the Town Council increase the budget and give the WEE (cough, cough, cough).
Squire Teflon immediately agreed saying “I think this is a very worthy endeavour. When I paid £1 to save the WEE for the nation I never imagined that we would one day be in a position to see the WEE bring in an income of £50K.
We’ve spent – what? – just under a million pounds of council tax payers money to get into this position and it’s been money well spent as far as I can see, with at least six people every day benefitting from it being available to residents.”
However, Smalltown’s Most Popular Person Jock McCads was unsatisfied with the figures provided by the SCAM and asked for further clarification “Could you possibly repeat those figures? I don’t think I heard what you said. Either that or my ears don’t believing what I’m hearing.”
Sighing heavily, the SCAM replied “I want you councillors to approve handing over £194,000 of council money to keep the WEE going for a further year. It’s not a lot to ask, is it?”
McCads disagreed and asked if she could clarify exactly what she planned to spend the money on, however the SCAM refused to tell him.
“I seem to have misplaced my workings-out. However, I know some of you may be concerned that, even after 10 years and a hell of a lot of cash, the WEE still doesn’t look like a viable business proposition, but it’s not all about the money, is it? It’s about the opportunities.
Most of you have no idea about running a business and even less knowledge of theatre, culture and the arts. Perhaps you are unaware that in theatre-land there’s a well-known saying “The only way to make a million pounds at the White Elephant Enclosure is to start with a Trillion pounds’.”
Local Business magnate Lex Turkey addressed the meeting saying “The definition of madness is to keep doing the same thing, yet expect a different result. Chucking even more money at the WEE isn’t going to turn it into an overnight success. Time to admit the idea of running a theatre is not viable.”
Leader of the Dullbridge Revolution Front Ellen Proves agreed with Mr Turkey “You can’t continue throwing good money after bad. This fiasco needs to stop and stop now.”
Chairperson of the WEE committee Cllr Eugenie Sherry spent several minutes arguing with herself about the pros and cons of running the WEE and seemed to finally decide that perhaps it isn’t such a good idea after all, given how people are expected to be struggling financially due to the Cost of Living crisis, before realising that no WEE would mean no chair for her and deciding to support the proposal.
Several councillors abstained from voting, because they were too scared to vote ‘No’ and in the end only three councillors made the decision to approve the increase, a decision which affects each and every council-tax payer in Smalltown and Dullbridge.
One wonders if the three would have been quite so gung-ho with the money if it had been their own cash they were being asked to contribute. £75,000 each – not such a good move after all.