With grant applications from individuals and groups set to be discussed by Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) Town Council’s Finance and Misappropriation. Committee tonight, we asked Smalltown Soothsayer, Mystic Mick to cast his glass eye over the applications to see if he can predict the outcome.
Seated cross-legged on the floor, surrounded by crystal balls and tarot cards Mystic consulted his spirit guide, Hero Shima and looked at each application in detail.
Cllr Robert NotBothered’s appeal for funds for the Porland Community Hub.
This is a massive request for money. At £14,000 this is just under £2,000 less than the initial grant request from Squire Teflon and his close friend Mistress Bones for the ice rink. The difference here is that the money will be used to improve the lives of people in Dullbridge.
Under the old Illiberal party SaDTC regime this application would have been refused on those grounds alone, as the previous SaDTC administration didn’t give a hoot about Dullbridge, but the Befuddled Party will support this. APPROVED.
St Jude’s Church in Dullbridge want funding to hold their popular ‘Rave in the Nave’ events. Can’t fault the buzzwords in this application. ‘Mental health’, ‘community’, ‘social inclusion’ and ‘cultural activity’. APPROVED.
Smalltown Swimming Club has applied for funding to cover the cost of coach hire to take part in swimming competitions. I can’t remember if they’ve invited the Mayor round for a lovely cup of tea, because that’s something that certainly helps with these sort of requests, however the application includes the words ‘poor people’ and ‘children’. APPROVED.
Smalltown and Dullbridge History Group is applying for a grant to produce a leaflet detailing the history of Dullbridge. Might be an idea to approve this one before the combined efforts of Sadgebore District Council and the All-New-Yet-Unimproved Somerset Cuonty Council consign the entire town to the history books. APPROVED
Dullbridge and Smalltown Carnivoo. Despite including the most confusing set of accounts ever and seemingly listing the donation made to charity as an expense this is an application for Carnivoo – the greatest not-free free event known to man. APPROVED.
Smalltown Navy Cadets would like a grant to cover the cost of installing new heating.
Now they’ve got a huge amount of money in the bank for such a small group, and only 40 children are expected to benefit, but the Cadets have shared a lovely cup of tea with the Mayor. APPROVED.
SaD Youth Club having already received £7000 in SaDTC funding previously, is back for more. This time a grant of £4194, most of which will be spent on wages. However, once again the application includes all the right buzzwords. APPROVED.
Dullbridge Fishing Club are requesting a grant to plant trees in an area where, thanks to Sadgebore District Council, permission has been granted to housing developers to remove all the trees. With SaDTC having failed to plant a single tree to mark Queen Victoria II’s Platinum Jubilee this application could make up for that. APPROVED.
Alternative Smalltown Pride – A Replacement Kaleidoscope of Love Event (ASPARKLE), after Director, Founder, CEO and Legend in his own Bedroom, Levi Smeller, was denied a grant to fund his Smalltown Pride – a Unique New Concept earlier this year, this appears to be an application from a different group to organise a Pride. It is not clear if Levi is involved with this, so we could see two Pride events next year. Much mention of ‘inclusive’ and ‘minority’ on the form. APPROVED.
There’s a couple of other applications but, quite frankly, I’ve lost the will to live. I’m sure we can all see where this is going. The BeFuddled Party won’t want to upset anyone so I can confidentially predict that all the applications put before SaDTC tonight will be APPROVED.