Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) Town Council will be discussing whether or not to declare a State of Emergency in the two towns, during a meeting to be held at the Hayloft Road Palace Retirement Home for Bemused and Bewildered BeFuddled Party Ex-Teachers (and Others) on Monday.
BeFuddled Councillor Patsy Knickers, SaDTC Head of Social Education, said “I have recently noticed that life is very dangerous and it has become abundantly clear that we are all going to die. I think it’s important that we warn residents of this distressing fact before it’s too late, so I’ve tabled a resolution for SaDTC to declare a State of Emergency.
I have spent many long hours researching the subject by reading old copies of the Daily Fail and it’s become clear in my mind that, at some point during our lives, we are all going to die. Be it from old age, natural causes, murder, getting too hot in a heatwave, freezing to death in winter due to energy costs, or starvation, it’s a sad fact that it’s going to happen to all of us at some point and I think we need to make that clear, so that residents have time to prepare for the inevitable.”
Local Befuddled Party Chairman and Town Councillor, Banish Barracuda, added “By declaring a State of Emergency we hope to be able to access funding so that we can employ a Director of Education Advice Therapy and Health (DEATH) who will be able to work with residents to advise them of their options.
DEATH will be able to go out into the community to reassure residents that the Council will do everything in their power to try to stop people dying. Ultimately we may not be able to make any effective changes but at least we will have been seen to be trying. We hope that eventually DEATH will be seen on every doorstep in the Smalltown and Dullbridge area.”
Residents are being advised not to worry about the proposed State of Emergency, but should stay indoors with windows and doors shut.