Smalltown and Dullbridge residents are being advised to stay indoors within 5cm of a fan and to keep their feet in buckets of iced water today.
A spokesperson from the Department of Hot Weather Like We’ve Never Seen Before said “We’ve checked our Seaweed Weather Indication Gadget (SWIG) and can confirm that conditions are very crispy out there. There’s a strong chance that our SWIG may shrivel up even further, leading to brittleness and the possibility of snapping off.
It is going to be red everywhere you look and this could see residents in the Smalltown and Dullbridge area taking to social media to complain that it is either ‘very hot’ or ‘too hot’ together with an influx of older residents mentioning the previous hot weather in 1976.
We would advise residents to stay away from social media but to instead position themselves in front of the nearest available fan and not move until we issue the all clear.”