Following our in-depth look at the BeFuddled Party Candidates (Clive, April 23rd) SomersetClive brings you a full round up in their own words of the Illiberal Party candidates for the Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council and All-New-Yet-Unimproved Somerset Cuonty Council elections.
Mark Facelift.
“I don’t live in the Smalltown Posh area. In fact, I don’t even live in Smalltown. Or Dullbridge. I did once have a business in Smalltown, although I’m retired now. This means I have my finger on the pulse when it comes to all things Smalltown.
I am keen to maintain and promote the White Elephant Enclosure and this year I’ve awarded grants to anyone in the community who is keen to hire it.”
Julia Slurry.
“I’ve been a Town Councillor for just over a year now and you can be forgiven for not realising this, because I haven’t said or done anything in that time, apart from agree with Squire Teflon when required.”
Mr Julia Slurry.
“I’m married to Julia and had no intention of standing as a Councillor, until my wife, acting on the orders of Squire Teflon and his close friend, Mistress Bones, told me I had to because they didn’t have enough candidates.”
Paul Runforthe-Hills
“I import the Squire’s Albanian Whisky and am a new candidate, standing for the Illiberal Party, so you won’t have heard of me before. If I don’t get elected you’ll never hear of me again. And the same thing applies if I do get elected.”
Al Devalues
“I’ve been a town Councilor since 2019. Please see what my fellow candidate, Julia Slurry, wrote about her tenure. The same applies to me.”
Saul Synn
“I was co-opted to Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council as the ward member for Dullbridge – despite not living there and not visiting if I can help it. I’m also not standing for election there because I have zero chance as being chosen as their representative by the people who do live there. During my brief stint on the council I have done my best to represent the views of Squire Teflon and will continue to do so if elected in the Smalltown and Dullbridge Lumped Together ward.”
Dick Trolley
“I’ve lived in Smalltown for many years – some of you may remember the time in 1996 when I hit the local headlines, following a raid on my shop premises by 20 members of Her Majesty’s Constabulary, who were acting on a tip-off from their colleagues. During my time as a Councillor for Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council I have made sure to always agree with Squire Teflon and am now his number two in command.”
Prue Hairdresser
“Together with my husband, Less, we ran a successful seafront seashell shop in Smalltown, selling seashells from the seashore.
Less was also the brains behind the blockbuster cinematic hits ‘Project Coach’ and ‘Project Coach II’ (see SomersetClive November 12, 2021). Now and again I pop up to judge highly important flower arranging competitions”
Alan Incendiary
“I have been a Sadgebore District Councillor for years, although you can be forgiven for not knowing this, because I rarely say or do anything. I’m only standing for the Town Council because Mistress Bones needed people to make up the numbers and told me that if I didn’t do it she would withdraw her support for my Cuonty Council nomination.”
Catty Staring.
“I have been elected unopposed in the Smalltown SAS ward, so I don’t need to bother with a leaflet. Which is good, because I don’t have anything to say, unless the Squire or his Mistress tell me to.”
Squire Teflon.
“I am VERY important. The MOST important person in Smalltown, Dullbridge, Sadgebore, Somerset and the World. I’m not going to bother wasting my space in this leaflet telling you about my plans for Smalltown, because I’m far too important for that, instead I’m going to concentrate on telling you how important I am. Besides, I don’t really have any new ideas or plans.
You can see how important I am because I have been the chairman of Sadgebore District Council for a few years and I was recently voted in as vice-chair/acting chair of Somerset Cuonty Council and you don’t get any more important than that. Apart from Leader, Deputy Leader, Deputy-Deputy Leader and Tea-Making Operative.
Have I mentioned that I’m very important?”
Mistress Bones aka Missy
“I’m delighted to be sharing a page of this leaflet with my close-friend Squire Teflon. You will notice that he’s on top of me, this is because that’s the way he likes it.
I am a bubbly person and consider myself to be kind, caring and loving – unless you are one of the Squire’s ex-wives or mistresses in which case I won’t seem quite as nice.
I have organised a number of unsuccessful events in Smalltown and spent lots of your council tax money to do so. A vote for me will see me continue to lose money on your behalf. I also took over the running of the previous highly successful fundraiser for Smalltown Hospital – despite the fact that I am completely unable to spell the word ‘Fete’.”
Jim Woodenman
“I am not the least bit interested in standing for election to Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council, as there is no money in it. Instead you will only see my name appearing on the ballot paper for the All-New-Yet-Unimproved Somerset Cuonty Council. I have been the Suitcase Holder for Roads and Transport (RAT) for some time. All the unfilled potholes and road traffic chaos in the area are down to me.”