The organisers of a music event to be held in February in a number of hostelries and a field next to a sewage works on the outskirts of Dullbridge have claimed that the event will be a mini-Galstonbury, despite all evidence to the contrary.
The organisers, Margo and Felicity Farmhouse-Kitchener asked Brian “Nasty” Perkins to take on the role organising the Dullbridge Fete and music festival after no one else wanted the job.
He has rechristened the event Dullbridgebury and arranged for his former band, The Dumps, to reform and headline. The Dumps broke up 25 years ago and Perkins has long dreamed of getting the band back together, despite fellow former members pointing out that three gigs in the skittle alley of the highly combustible Dullbridge Hotel and a demo on cassette that nobody listened to does not represent a rock and roll career, and they were terrible anyway. Perkins has offered them drink to seal the deal.
“We’ve got a stage made of scaffold poles and a worn-out PA provided by the DJ at The Jetty Cabaret Bar, Feedback Fred,” he says. “It’s going to be like playing on the Pointy-top Stage, as long as we can get an extension cable.”
Despite having no involvement in the festival, Squire Teflon said: “We have made a substantial grant of £9.40 from our arts budget. We would have given more, but we didn’t want to as they wouldn’t use the White Elephant Enclosure. Councillor Faceache’s grandson is in a band and they will play support. They know most of Sweet Child of Mine.”
Squire Teflon will take time out from his job servicing photocopiers to cut the ribbon and claim the credit for the event, before passing out in a drunken stupor behind the Dullbridge bus shelter.
Mr Perkins says he has spent all the funds printing out posters using thirty fonts in a dozen colours.
Perkins added: “We’ll have a cake stall, a stand selling Stella at five quid a can and there’ll probably be a fight at about 4pm. There will be a face painter and many of their paints are non-toxic. If you ask down Jumbly Gardens, you’ll be able to get some heavily adulterated smoking mixture. Do you know the chords to Smells Like Teen Spirit? I’m a bit rusty.”