Motorway speeder receives lenient sentence

Bigston Clown Court heard today that Mr Austin Rover, aged 56 of Blinghampton, Essex was recorded as exceeding 142mph as he joined the M555 at Junction 96, near Dullbridge. He proceeded to accelerate further, stretching the capabilities of his Renault 4 to the limit, before police on horseback managed to arrest his progress near the Fluidbridge exit. When questioned, Mr Rover stated that he had been feeling a little sleepy and decided to leave the motorway in the hope of finding a place to rest and to have a coffee break. Not knowing the area well, he soon found himself in central Dullbridge.

“Your honour, I served in the Gulf War and I thought I was prepared for anything…“, said Rover who was visibly distressed at recounting the incident, “…but that street, that bleak prospect, and that single baleful Christmas lamp just triggered something in me“. The court heard how he tried to reverse, but found that a small group of local residents had gathered behind his vehicle and were trying to coerce him into joining a Community Project. Rover contemplated leaving his vehicle and seeking help, but the sight of a large number of locals lumbering out of the nearby Two Step convenience store soon changed his mind.

“I just put my foot down and headed for the motorway as fast as I could“, said Rover, now weeping gently. “I know it was irresponsible – but, the horror…. the horror.“. Barry Barrington, QC acting in his defence showed the jury CCTV images from the evening, and also referred them to the Wikipodium entry for Dullbridge. The court adjourned for the jurors to gather their thoughts, and receive the support of counsellors.

His Honour Judge Jeffries presiding, told Rover that while his actions were dangerous there were clear mitigating circumstances. He sentenced Rover to a two-week ban from thinking about Dullbridge, and 350 points on his Costa Card. He also placed the whole of Dullbridge under an Anti-Social Behaviour Order, reminding the press that “yes, that means even the nice bits which pretend they are in Smalltown.” Interviewed by SomersetClive’s court reporter Mia Culpa, Rover said he was relieved at the Judge’s sentence. He plans to spend the two week ban “in his happy place…anywhere but there” and will be enduring an overpriced cup of light brown hot milk with the points he received.

Local reaction to the story has been predictably mixed. Ted Stark, representative of Speeding Unnecessary on Roads in Town (SPURT) said “I’d have thrown the book at him, but the library closed years ago. This is typical, blame Dullbridge for everyone else’s problems. It’s not our fault he arrived on Black Friday.” This refers to a local custom where residents take a break from their usual activities to carouse and overindulge following the annual Monday night Carnivoo, Black Tuesday, Black Wednesday and Black Thursday. Meanwhile, on the local Internet forum, user Nerk took a characteristically contrarian position:

Mia Culpa will bring her usual court round-up next week.