Did you spot the planet Mars Bar passing closely to Uranus last night? If you missed it you may still be able to get a glimpse of the two together as Mars Bar will remain close to Uranus until August 11th when the two will finally separate. Catch it while you can.
Aryan – Your patrols of Smalltown beach, turning back dinghies you suspect of harbouring illegal immigrants will end in disaster on Sunday after you refuse to allow the Smalltown Area Ship, Hovercraft and Helicopter (SMASHH) access to the Jetty. Coming so soon after your Police warning on Friday, for pushing a lilo containing two youngsters from Brumingham back from the beach, you may find yourself arrested. .
Tourist – Do you really need me to tell you that there’s nothing to do in Smalltown? Yes, the place is closed and shuttered after 5.30pm. No, there’s nowhere open. The only available entertainment is a trip to the supermarket, where you will find plenty of families entertaining themselves in the aisles as they squabble over the frozen chips.
Twinpeaks – You’re in for a good week at last, as the two of you finally agree on something. Okay, so it’s only a decision to have cod and chips for tea on Friday, but it’s a start.
Crabs – An unexpected knock at the door on Monday will see you get out of bed to find a Herpes delivery driver with a parcel. Sadly the parcel is for Mrs Cox at number 7. The delivery driver asks if you wouldn’t mind taking it round there for him.
Lions – A reminder that you need to sign the petition to officially change the name of your starsign to ‘Lionesses’.
Vestal Virgins – Expect further problems with Squires on Thursday. And Friday. And Saturday. And Sunday. And… every day, really. Squires can be very persistent when it comes to the ladies.
Librarians – You will find yourselves checking the CCTV on Tuesday in a bid to find out what has happened to all the pens. Who is that shadowy figure caught on camera hanging around the Pills and Swoon fiction section?
Scorekeeper – I did tell you that you’d regret your assertion that ‘Football is a man’s game.’. You backed the wrong side.
Sagaman – After all those problems with Waxing Gibbons last month I’d suggest you stay well away from Uranus.
Capripants – It never fails to astound me how, for someone who spends the entire summer in shorts, your legs remain so pasty white. You will be tempted to remedy this on Thursday by using fake tan. Don’t. Orange is not the new brown.
Aquaman – Quick! Get ready. A holiday park in Bream will be advertising for a Barbecue Chef on Friday. This is the perfect job for you, as your trident is just the tool you need to toast marshmallows.
Pistachio – Oh dear. Caster oil and Pollox shining brightly in the night sky this month is a recipe for disaster. You’ll need to protect your nuts from marauding squirrels.