As part of their election campaign in Smalltown Posh for the All-New-Yet-Unimproved Somerset Cuonty Council, Squire Teflon and Mistress Bones met with fellow Illiberal Party member the Commissioner for Police Crime (CPC), Mike Shelmet, to ask him to address some of the “questions put to us by residents we’ve met on the doorstep” .
Mistress Bones kicked off the session by asking Mr Shelmet what could be done to tackle anti-social behaviour in Chateau Park Gardens.
“I fully understand the concerns of residents.” said Mr Shelmet, “and the first thing I would suggest is that people contact the police to report it when this sort of thing happens. Obviously we won’t be able to send any officers out to investigate, because my excessive salary – awarded to me to do a completely pointless job – means that we can’t afford to employ boots to pound the streets. It’s best to report it online, because that way our officers can look at it and file any complaints received, rather than spending their valuable time doing anything about it.”
Squire Teflon then addressed the CPC. “Yes, my question is about bullying and harassment online. What can be done to stop this?”
“The first thing I would suggest is that people contact the police to report it. I understand how distressing it can be for residents to receive a continuous stream of late-night abusive emails – this amounts to harassment and the perpetrator must be stopped.
We also understand that sometimes ‘trolling’ can occur on local forums and AceCrook discussion groups. Trolling is when an innocent party puts up a post, for example, a member of the BeFuddled Party, appealing for local residents to stand as candidates for election. The troll will then spring into action, resorting to name calling, jeering and personal attacks, before claiming that, in fact, THEY are the victim. This is obviously not the case and trolls should immediately be reported to the relevant authorities.”
Mistress Bones returned with a final question. “One thing that really concerns our residents is the problem of theft from shops. Would it be acceptable for residents to fund private security to stop this? And could the money be taken in the form of grants from local councils?”
“The first thing I would suggest is that shopkeepers affected by this sort of thing contact the police and report it. I’m not entirely sure why this matter would concern residents in the area – are a lot of them the owners of shops and businesses in Smalltown? However, if that’s the result of your doorstep feedback then who am I to query it? I’d have thought they’d be more interested in speeding cars, but hey ho, you obviously know your electorate.”
Mistress Bones and Squire Teflon thanked Mr Shelmet for his time and in return he promised to get all his friends and family to vote for the duo.