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Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) Missing Person Tim Teepee sensationally broke cover to announce that he had had enough of being missing.
In a letter found pinned to a lamp post in Smells, which appeared overnight, Mr Teepee wrote “I’ve had enough. I want to come home and be a normal person, rather than constantly having to dodge from one hiding place to another avoiding everyone.
I’ve been a Missing Person for almost ten years. It’s tough. Tougher than being in the Army, although that was where I learnt the art of camouflage which has helped me enormously in my attempts to hide from as many of my constituents as possible.
In that time the Illiberal Party has gone from bad to worse and I think it’s always good to withdraw from the frontline when you face defeat. Not that I expected to be defeated, of course, it’s just I can’t be bothered with the battle.
There’s been a huge shift over the last ten years, once I was able to remain undetected in the background with no worries about being found.
Now, with the increased technology in mobile phones and the rise in social media use there’s, a huge risk that my image and whereabouts will appear on AceCrook or a similar site and my cover will be blown. Very recently a member of the public tried to stick a GPS tracker on me, using a drone to drop it from height. I could have been seriously compromised and my whereabouts released to anyone wanting to write to me about the increase of dog poo on Smalltown Sea Front.
I will remain missing until the next General Election, and hope that Smells Illiberal Party will be able to find a suitable new Missing Person before then. People in Smalltown and Dullbridge need not worry as, thanks to the boundary changes, they won’t be seeing me even when I’m not hiding.”
Squire Teflon, leader of the Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) Illiberal Party said “Losing Tim is no great loss. I never liked him anyway. He has attended lots of meetings with the very fragrant Penny Mortuary, who is the love of my life, so the more distance between the two of them the better.”