Ace reporter and all round popular editor Clive Saint found a crumpled up document titled ‘Statement First Draft‘ on Smalltown seafront, shortly after the Illiberal candidate for Fridgepond, SmallTown and the Other Place, Lord Rashley Fox quickly left town.
“I Lord Rashley Fox do solemnly swear that if elected to the seat of Fridgepond, Smalltown and the other place I will faithfully serve the people almost as hard as I did the people of Mummerset, who I apparently represented for ten years in Europe, so my wife tells me.
I have spent nearly 20 minutes wading through the cesspit that is the local internet forums and acecrook groups and have decided to say I will do everything that those eyeball-swivelling lunatics care about, with the exception of the White Elephant Enclosure as my trusted lieutenant Squire Telfon asked me not to mention that. What else? Oh yes. Unauthorised caravanners. I was there this summer when they were, honest.
Tourism. Lets encourage that, too. But not at the expense of local people. Or any expense at all. Erm. Something about schools. And doctors. And the high street. And trees. Will this do?
Apparently, I’ll be able to sort out everything that is wrong, by sitting down and talking about it. Which is nice. I do hope there will be tea and biscuits. All of this I will be able to do despite the fact that my party has been in power for 13 years and hasn’t done anything about any of it yet, and in any case we have sold all of the national infrastructure to the Chinese, Canadian pension funds and the Bulgarian State Railway Company.
Let’s face it, when I’m elected, which I will be because all those constituents are dumb as a lorry, I’m going to sit on my backside for twenty years doing naff all, and they will keep voting for me and mumble into their Sanatogen tonic wine. I will sit on the back benches picking up my £85,000 a year, as we are going to get so comprehensively gubbed at the election, where I will occasionally shout “braaaaaa” at the Prime Minster Sir Keith Starer, and I won’t have any power at all. In fact at current standings I might end up doing two jobs in the shadow cabinet. I won’t go more often than two or three times a year as I might have to sit with those dreadfully coarse Scottish Nationalists.”
Meanwhile, in the interests of balance, Clive must say The Befuddled Party still can’t decide how to stop Clara Scullery, Deputy Chair of the Somerset BeFuddled Group at ANYUSSC becoming their candidate, and Generalissimo Brian Stalin of the Peoples Front for the Liberation of Fridgpond (PFFTLOF) is currently massing the tanks at Poorlet while preparing for a Northern assault as soon as they can decide who their Commander is, and for the Central Committee for Doing Things to say which direction north is.