In the first volume of Steven C. Gull’s long-running saga we heard how Squire Teflon helped Mistress Bones with funding for her dream to bring a World Record Beating Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink to Smalltown, in return for a favour or two or 16,000. They had agreed to keep their relationship a secret from significant others, friends and the residents and electorate of Smalltown.
Following a hugely unsuccessful opening event, which attracted huge amounts of Town Council funding and small crowds, the World Record Beating Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink opened and, a few short weeks later, closed again.
We rejoin the dynamic duo to find them having adjusted the figures to made a silk purse out of an elephant’s ear and have managed to convince everyone that the Rink was a huge success. They are now working on a scheme for the return of Mistress Bones Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink.
Unfortunately some residents of Smalltown and Dullbridge are not happy to see their money spent on yet another vanity project and have been rather vocal in their objections, some have even written letters to the local newspapers raising their concerns…
Chapter Six
“Dear Sirs, I’m a little concerned about Squire Teflon’s business acumen and general understanding of fundamental financials, the figures reported (excluding) tax payers grants shows this venture as insolvent, I believe it is an offence to knowingly trade insolvently, at the very minimum such negative figures surely do not justify grants paid by hard working tax payers of whom the majority chose not to skate on a piece of plastic. “.
“Do you see? They are calling it a piece of plastic!” she wailed.
“To be fair, it WAS a piece of plastic, but this letter is criticising my business sense, not yours. And if they think the money spent on this was a waste just wait until they see my plans for the White Elephant Enclosure.”
The Squire looked at the newspaper again
“In business, this could have met with legal challenge. How can SaDDEST treat grants as income, which gives a totally misleading interpretation of ‘success’. This year, if ‘The Grant’ awarded had not been given, SaDDEST would have made a massive loss. They still don’t seem to have done that well.
That’s irrelevant isn’t it? We did get a grant, awarded to us by my Council. It came into our account so it is income. What a ridiculous thing to say.”
“They do have a point though, don’t they? If you hadn’t managed to get your Council to hand over all that money then my World Record Breaking Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink would have made a loss.”
“That’s irrelevant my love cream doughnut, I did and the figures presented show we didn’t.”
The Squire continued reading “Can anyone explain what Squire Teflon’s involvement/connection is with/to SaDDEST?
Honestly, why do people keep asking this question? My only involvement is with you and I only want to connect with what’s inside your knickers. If that means I have to secure grant funding for you, then what’s the problem? It seems to me that all these people are out to get ME. No one is having a go at you.”
“But they are, the World Record Breaking Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink was my idea, and they are saying it was a waste of money.”
“Be fair my love Chelsea Bun, it was a waste of money. It didn’t even attract extra customers to your Newspaper and Tat Emporium. So it failed in every respect. But we can’t not do it again. We can’t give the Town Council the money back, because that would mean I would have to admit that I was wrong about the whole thing being successful and I can’t do that.
No. I think what I need to do now is issue a Press Release refuting all these claims and spinning the figures and statistics a bit more.”
“Do you think that will work?”
“It doesn’t really matter if it does or it doesn’t. Your World Record Breaking Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink will be making a second appearance this year, whether people like it or not.
Now, dry your eyes and bend over. I need some inspiration before I get to work.”