The Missing Rink

A new idea to attract visitors to Smalltown Seafront has been suggested to Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council by a Smalltown resident.

Henry Pronker of Helsinki Road said “I believe that SaD Town Council should look at installing a Roller-Skating Rink on the Seafront. This would really help to attract visitors to the town.

Roller-skating is one of the greenest sports around, which fits in well with the BeFuddled Party’s Climate Rescue Action Plan (CRAP). All that is needed is a smooth, shiny surface.”

Councillor Banish Barracuda said “It’s an errrm interesting idea, one which we will errrm have to talk and think about errrm for a few years, before we can errrrm ask the Smalltown Administration Guru to errrm find out how much it would errrm cost.“

However, Former-Mayor Councillor Mark Facelift said” This idea rinks a bell. Didn’t we used to have a Roller-skating Rink in Smalltown? I’m sure we did.”

This sent your trusty SomersetClive reporter scurrying to our filing room to search through the archives, where we discovered that Cllr Facelift was correct.

According to our records the failed attempt by Squire Teflon and his close-friend and employer Mistress Bones’ Smalltown and Dullbridge Duplicated Events Social Team (SaDDEST) to bring a World-Record Breaking Olympic Sized Ice Rink and Penguin Pool also included the option to use the Ice Rink as a Roller-skating Rink in the summer months.

In 2018, when Mistress Bones announced that SaDDEST had decided not to open the ice rink to the public during the winter months, she said “The rink can also be used as a roller skating rink and SaDDEST is therefore hoping to trial a roller skating set-up in the town during 2019.

The rink is now fully self-funded thanks to the biggest ever grant Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council has ever seen, being given by Squire Teflon and his sheep to the SaDDEST group, which Squire Teflon is definitely not a member of on Tuesdays and it therefore isn’t a conflict of interest.”

The news that Smalltown and Dullbridge did have a Roller-skating Rink has led to renewed calls to try and locate its whereabouts.

Last seen in a storage shed behind the White Elephant Enclosure, there have been no confirmed sightings of the rink since early 2019. Over the years there have been many concerted efforts to find the Rink, or discover what happened to the over £16,000 of Council Tax payers money used to purchase it, with archaeologists digging trenches in various areas of Smalltown and Dullbridge.

In 2021 the archaeologist teamed up with a group of anthropologists from the Smalltown University of the 3rd Dimension in a bid to unearth the Rink. Professor Anthony Robinson said at the time “We’ve been joined on our latest dig by several anthropologists, who are excited at the prospect of locating the Missing Rink, and thus learning more about the Smalltown Evolution Project – the scheme to spend lots of money to improve Smalltown, most of which was diverted into the black hole of the White Elephant Enclosure.”

Unfortunately on that occasion, and every occasion since, the Rink remained undiscovered. If any reader knows where the Rink is now, or can explain where either the money or the promised defibrillator are, SomersetClive would love to hear from you.