Horrorscopes with Mystic Mick

With the Harvestmouse moon looming in the sky this week it’s a chance for all you farmers to get out there and finish getting your crops in by the light of the silvery moon.

The planet Neptune will be in close proximity to Earth, but don’t worry – you’ll still need a telescope to see it because it’s still a very long way away

Aryan – Time to rejoice! Your favourite candidate Liz Thrust secured the job, and that totally useless Prittstick Patel has resigned. Perhaps the new Home Secretary will embrace your idea of putting land mines on British beaches? .

Tourist – With all the kids now back at school it’s time to hitch the caravan to the car and head off in search of new destinations, which offer the same level of attractions as Smalltown. Can I suggest Skegness? In a recent review it gained just 1 star out of a possible 5 for its attractions, scenery, peace and quiet and value for money. Sounds perfect to me.

Twinpeaks – I’m sorry you both fell out over the cod and chips supper last month. I wasn’t to know that one portion of cod would be bigger than the other.

Crabs – I’m not just an astrologer, medium and psychic, you know. I also provide weather predictions on my website ‘Mystic Mick’s Meteorological Musings’ and I can tell you now that’s its going to rain for the entire month of September. Stay in bed would be my advice.

Lions – As the ‘King of the Starsigns’ you’re known for your strength, leadership and decisive qualities, so it’s quite concerning to find you can’t decide whether to have Sugar Puffs or Cornflakes for breakfast on Monday.

Vestal Virgins – there’s a new kid on the block to avoid in Smalltown, as Horace Monsoon starts work at SomersetClive. What with him and the Squire vying for your affections it may be worth checking out the purchase of a chastity belt on the internet.

Librarians – After all the trouble wuth missing pens last month, this month you’ll be left scratching your head wondering what happened to all the chairs.

Scorekeeper – The football season is off to a flying start. Unless you’re a Madchester United fan.

Sagaman – When you meet new people they are always left in awe at your ability to talk about yourself for hours on end. It’s a skill commensurate with your starsign, but you’ll find yourself in a conundrum mid-month when you find yourself talking to another Sagaman. Exactly what is the etiquette of true conversation?

Capripants – Yes. The weather is changing (see my new website ‘Mystic Mick’s Meteorological Musings’ for more information) and it is going to start getting much colder around your nether regions. Time to ditch the ‘Daisy Dukes’ and search out the knee-length shorts in your wardrobe.

Aquaman – It’s a shame that your recent employment as a barbecue chef at Bream Holiday Farm came to such an abrupt end, but the ‘incident’ should serve as a timely reminder that beards and open fires are not a good mix. There’s good news though, your home planet Neptune will exert a huge pull on you this month. However, it’s too far away for anything meaningful to come of it.

Pistachio – As Autumn approaches those marauding squirrels will be starting to hoard nuts. Keep yours safely under lock and key with my new ‘Nut Protection Belt’ which is available online and at all good retailers (also suitable for Vestal Virgins).

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