We visit the gastro-pub you can’t afford to eat in

As your hard-working, good-for-nothing SomersetClive reporters (and my employees) are currently nursing ‘headaches’ after what can only be described as an excess of Jubilee celebrations, it has been left to me to man the phones.

Being in the Clive office this morning bears a strong resemblance to being in the Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) Town Council office – I am the only person here, with no other staff members in sight. Be assured that I will be having firm words with my staff tomorrow.

Meanwhile, as I am made of sterner stuff and have years of reporting on celebrations under my belt (and can drink 15 pints without falling over), I’m pleased to bring you another insight into the local hostelries.

The Cuthbert
A London pub parachuted into Smalltown. Includes ersatz gastro-pub décor, confused young underpaid staff and London beer and food prices. The Food is not beige, but you can’t afford it anyway, so don’t look at the menu.

Drinks include two commercially available ales and a row of exotic continental lagers, all made in Walthamstow.

The outside seating area includes fake grass, which incorporates several layers of squashed chips and which archaeologists may find of interest. Alcohol may be purchased from the on-site shed.

On sunny days the outside play area is full of screaming small children causing havoc. We must assume they are orphans given the lack of parental supervision. In inclement weather they can be found doing the same thing inside.

Holiday visitor Brian Halesowen, who visited the Cuthbert says: “I bought a pint of beer and a scotch egg. Now I have no money and we have to go home early

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