Horrorscopes with Mystic Mick

More big transitions this week as the planet Mars Bar narrowly misses bumping into Uranus. The recent Super-Duper Blood Orange Moon lunar eclipse could also cause a few problems for some star signs, but at the moment I’m unsure which of you will be affected, so I’d advise everyone to be careful, just in case.

Aryan – You had a wonderful time last night at the White Elephant Enclosure watching Anne Wibblewobble, didn’t you? Nice to see you enjoying yourself with all the other small-minded Aryans.

Tourist – I meant to tell you previously that the weather in Skegness can be changeable at this time of year, sorry about that, but that’s why it was so cheap. Take a look at Eastbourne, it’s a bit more expensive but the hotel is offering evening meals as part of the inclusive deal.

Twinpeaks – Oh dear. You’ll be spending a good deal of this week arguing with your selves.

Crabs – It was good to see that the previous month’s rising moon in Aquaman didn’t affect you too badly. I did tell you that getting out of bed should be considered carefully and that you shouldn’t rush these things. So you can’t blame me for the incident with the vacuum nozzle.

Lions – The lack of bunting in the shops is going to throw your Titanium Jubilee plans into serious disarray. Did you learn nothing from the Easter Egg episode?

Vestal Virgins – Those Squires can be very persistent can’t they? First a box of Chocolate Fingers through your letter box and now a packet of Party Rings. Just what is it the Squires are trying to tell you?

Librarians – Be very careful if you decide to approach the man in the mac loitering by the Romance section. He’s not what he seems.

Scorekeeper – I’m sorry that your bid for Chelseabun Football Club was unsuccessful, it would appear someone offered more than your four buttons and six used postage stamps.

Sagaman – The ‘chat’ with Mrs Higginbottom at Number 94 about her cat dragged on a bit, I’m not sure that she fully appreciated your life history. Perhaps it would be better to revert to your previous stance of yelling “Keep your f-ing cat out of my garden’.

Capripants – This changeable weather is becoming a bit of a problem. Think about temporarily swapping the shorts for a nice pair of culottes.

Aquaman – It’s not looking quite so good for your co-star this week.

Pistachio – Still a few lingering problems for you after the planet Penis exerted its powers last month. Now it’s the turn of Uranus. It doesn’t bode well. Guard your nuts.

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