Visitor hits back at survey

Fridgepond resident, semi-professional Councillor and Mayor, Mark Facelift, has hit back at the publishers of ‘WhoWhatWhere?’ magazine after they revealed that Smalltown was amongst the worst-rated seaside towns in the world.

‘Who What Where?’ based the results of their survey on a rehash of the same survey they carried out last year, in which Smalltown appeared in the bottom ten. This year the town has sunk even lower to appear in the bottom five.

The survey asked respondents to rate seaside towns based on value-for-money, attractions, scenery, beach and peace and quiet. ‘WhoWhatWhere?’ confirmed that Smalltown has received a three out of possible five star rating in the beach category because “there is a beach.“.

Speaking exclusively to SomersetClive, Facelift said “I visit Smalltown at least once every other month to attend council meetings in my role as a semi-professional town councillor and this survey is irresponsible. No one asked me my opinion as a visitor to the town. I know, because I’ve been told, that Smalltown is a very popular holiday destination.

Smalltown is a traditional ‘bucket’ seaside town – people come here for the miles of golden sand and mud and when here they enjoy the facilities on offer such as the… err… ummm… miles of golden sand and mud.”.

The Smalltown Leader of Usefulness and Tourism (SLUT), Ivor Bigg-Pocket, echoed the Mayor’s comments saying “My job is reliant on holidaymakers visiting Smalltown, without them I’d be unemployed. We recently conducted our own survey over a two week period and received over 100 percent positive feedback from visitors who praised our miles of golden sand and mud.

We will be carrying out a more extensive in-depth survey over the summer and I am confident that we will score over 100 percent positive feedback for that one too.

Ivor showed SomersetClive a copy of the comprehensive survey, which consists of one question – ‘Do you like Smalltown?’ “It’s simple really, any forms received with a negative reply will go straight in the bin.”

The results of the SLUT survey will be passed on to the Town Council to prove what an excellent job he is doing.

Smalltown received a zero-star rating for the attractions on offer in the town, which is unsurprising because the combined forces of Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) Town Council and Sadgebore District Council have done their level best to ensure the town looks uncared for, with frequent complaints received about over-flowing rubbish bins on the Promenade, a lack of wheelchair access to the beach after the previous ramp suffered storm damage and has yet to be replaced, missing light bulbs, and the unsightly portable toilets which appeared on the Promenade last year.

With so much money wasted by SaDTC on ice rinks, non-existent signs, streets paved with gold and the White Elephant Enclosure it comes as no shock to discover that there isn’t enough money left to cover the cost of a new broom to sweep all these pointless extravagances under the carpet.

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