‘Genius’ scheme to attract shoppers

Sadgebore District Council has come up with what they describe as a ‘genius scheme’ to bring shoppers into Smalltown and Dullbridge.

Unveiling the plans, SDC spokesperson Blair Stagg said “We’ve spent an awful lot of money on this – but residents don’t need to worry that this will see an increase in the amount of tax that they pay, because this money has come from the Government’s Magic Money Tree, so is FREE.

We thought long and hard for ten minutes and have come up with what we think is a genius scheme and one which will certainly bring residents and visitors flocking to our town centres.

We plan to install zip-wires along the lengths of Fridgepond, Smalltown and Dullbridge’s main streets and…

(Editor – Steve? Are you ABSOLUTELY sure about this? I thought that the plan involves a handful of flags, fluttering from flagpoles dotted around the place?

Mr Editor, Sir, you are quite correct. The scheme IS to fly flags but, as you keep telling me, our job is to tell the truth but to disguise it using parody and to be perfectly honest sometimes it’s very difficult to parody something which is already ridiculous.

I mean, how on earth do Sadgebore come up with their ideas? Do they really think that people will be enticed into our shopping areas by a few flags? What planet are they on? At least my zip wire idea could genuinely bring crowds to see the fun.

Goodness me, it’s almost as good an idea as wasting a shed load of money bringing in a World record beating, Olympic-sized combined swimming pool and ice rink. And look how successful that was in terms of improving visitor numbers.

Editor – Point taken. As you were.

One thought on “‘Genius’ scheme to attract shoppers

  1. The best way to encourage shoppers into Dullbridge would be to actually have some useful shops and give an hours free parking

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