SADISTs announce first candidate

Smalltown and Dullbridge Independent Super Team have announced the name of their first candidate seeking election to the town council.

Teresa Calcutter has been a resident of Smalltown for many years and hopes to ‘bring peace to the area’.

Teresa told SomersetClive “I’ve made it my life’s mission to try to unite the warring factions of Smalltown and Dullbridge and to bring equality to the two areas. Dullbridge has seen increased poverty in recent years, with many relying on food banks to feed their families, whilst the residents of Smalltown are lording it up enjoying occasional nights out at the White Elephant Enclosure. It’s time the huge discrepancies between the two areas were ironed out for once and for all.

We’ve seen vast amounts of money spent on Ice Rinks and Duplicated Christmas Events in Smalltown, whilst Dullbridge residents are left hoping that puddles will freeze over and the single Christmas bulb will stay lit for at least a month before needing replacement.

I’m absolutely thrilled to have been selected as a candidate for the Smalltown and Dullbridge Independent Super Team because I believe the party offers a viable alternative to the Illiberal and BeFuddled parties who, after many long years in power, have failed to achieve anything in the area. The SADISTs offer a genuine chance for change and I hope residents will give me their support in May.“

We contacted Squire Teflon for comment and he told us “She’s got no ****ing hope. The Illiberal Party will be fielding an army of donkeys, equipped with blue rosettes, as candidates and we expect a land slide victory, so that we can maintain my grip on power. If residents are stupid enough to vote for other candidates then they’ll get what they deserve.”