Squire surprised by results

Squire Teflon yesterday claimed to be both ‘surprised and delighted’ as he received the results from a DNA test.

Speaking to SomersetClive he said “I received the test as a Christmas present from my close-friend Mistress Bones. These kits are very popular with genealogists and people who want to trace their family tree in order to find out details of their ancestors.

Your readers will know that as a baby I was found abandoned in a basket left behind a Mulberry tree in the grounds of Hayloft Road Palace and with the rumours that persist about me having pure blue-blood in my veins I couldn’t wait to try it out. It took a fair amount of effort to get enough blood from my veins to fill the tiny vial included in the kit, but I managed it in the end.

The results came back yesterday and iopened the envelope with trepidation – would I be able to add the words ‘His Royal Highness’ to my name, without having to resort to changing my name by deed-poll? After all, my dearly departed, Uncle Nelson used that moniker and it would be fitting for me to also use it.

Unfortunately, work is still needed to establish my royal connections, but it has revealed an interesting familial match. I’m an avid viewer of the television programme ‘Family and Fiends Reunited’, hosted by the delightful Davida McCollsNewsagent and I’ll admit to often shedding a tear as she introduces families to relatives they never knew they had, but I never imagined the same thing happening to me.

I am delighted to reveal that the results show that I have a long-lost twin! My DNA proved to be a direct match to that of the Member of Parliament, Jim Berpig. It seems that my brother has followed the same path in life as my own, but he hasn’t risen to the dizzy heights of Chair of the Council. No, he was only the Speaker in the House of Parliament, so my career has certainly surpassed his.

I’m greatly looking forward to meeting him in the future and hope we can share tales of the incidents and coincidences which have shaped our lives. Research shows that twins are alike and even twins who have been separated have shared experiences and traits, so it’s going to be fascinating.

I already know that we both enjoy using intimidating, insulting behaviour involving an abuse of power and that his behaviour falls very far below that which the public has a right to expect – which is incredible, because that’s exactly what people say about me.

If any of your readers which to find their long lost relatives then my close-friend Mistress Bones has DNA kits available to purchase in her Tat Emporium for the very reasonable price of £94.00.”

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