Members of Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council listened solemnly as Squire Teflon announced that, following a discussion by the Sub-Human Resources Committee, SaDTC would adopt a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to the bullying, harassment and intimidation of Councillors and staff.
The assembled Councillors nodded gravely as Teflon outlined the principles of the policy and explained that a poster would be displayed in the Hayloft Road Policy detailing the terms.
Members of the public in attendance at the meeting watched in stunned silence as the Squire spoke out accusing them of bullying him, when most of those present had been on the receiving end of his unwanted attentions.
“I always treat treat everyone with the utmost courtesy and respect and ask for the same in return. You will be aware that I was recently subjected to an unprovoked personal attack in a discussion forum on AceCrook.
It was unfair, all I did was make personal attacks on a member of the BeFuddled Party, (which I’m sure everyone here would agree was warranted – even my colleagues in the BeFuddled party) and I was subjected to a barrage of criticism about my behaviour.
Despite pleading with the Administrator of the group that she needed to step in and protect me from the abuse directed towards me, she refused, and so I see no alternatives but to bring in these draconian measures. In future, anyone mentioning my name in public will be subjected to a public flogging at The White Elephant Enclosure.
In addition a member of council staff was subjected to some mean comments from a fellow Councillor, when he asked her if she “wouldn’t mind just clarifying a few things“. This was taken as a slur on her character, her ability to do her job and brings the entire council into disrepute. This is simply not on and I won’t have my staff abused in this manner. The date for the public flogging of this Councillor will be announced soon, but is likely to take place in time to make the front cover of my next election leaflet.
I am aware of accusations in the local press from local residents that I am a bully and have resorted to intimidation and threats to silence my critics. I can assure you that if I find out who has been saying these things they will feel the full force of my wrath. They can expect instant retribution, because this Zero-Tolerance Policy will give me carte-blanche to use whatever means necessary to bully residents without fear of counsel.
Right. Let’s vote to adopt this policy. You will all put your hands up in agreement. Or else.”
Councillor Fencesitter rose to his feet and tentatively enquired whether or not councillors could “see a copy of the policy we will be voting on, if at all possible, if it’s no trouble and if you wouldn’t mind, please and thank you sir. Sorry to be a bother.”
Squire Teflon fixed him with a withering glare and Fencesitter resumed his seat saying” I’m sorry, you’re quite right. We don’t need to see it.”
The policy was granted full approval,with all Councillors voting in favour, in fear that abstination could lead to a flogging.