Excavations uncover mysterious relic

Somerset Cuonty Archaelogists uncovered surprising historical remains yesterday, while excavating the site of the planned extension to the White Elephant Enclosure which will house Squire Teflon’s ‘hot tub palace’.

Dr Doug Trench, lead trowel-wrangler on the dig described his initial excitement: “We’d just got down below the tarmac, and started removing the grockle-layer which is our technical term for a bed of discarded chip papers, when we found a mysterious surface“.

At first, Dr Trench and his team thought they had uncovered some form of Medieval jousting arena, or perhaps an amiphitheatre where The Squire’s ancient relatives had thrown Liberals to the seagulls for sport. However, further examination revealed a smooth plastic surface, with deep grooves, as if made by blades. Nearby, a ceremonial statue of a flightless birdlike creature was uncovered, further confusing the diggers.

Asked for a comment, staff at the White Elephant Enclosure claimed no knowledge of the provenance of the finds, and instead asked SomersetClive to buy a ticket for their next tribute show by popular local combo “Gary and the recently-fitted pacemakers”. We politely declined.

SomersetClive consulted local mine of information, Mr G W Hurling, who following a trawl of his trove of local history books told us the following:

There was an old wives tale about an ancient ceremonial ice rink, buried somewhere under the White Elephant Enclosure site. It’s probably a local urban legend, and it certainly hasn’t been seen in recent times. Rumour had it that huge penguin-like statues would move around the rink when no-one was skating, which was apparently most of the time.

Hurling continued: “There were also tales of tribes of warriors in armour, with curved clubs, who would arrive in Smalltown bringing abundant riches to the locals. But no-one ever arrived, and the rink has been buried ever since

Dr Trench is keeping an open mind, and hoping that the find is in fact the artefact which Hurling suggests. His attempts to trace the origins of the story led him to the archives of the Smalltown and Dullbridge Duplicated Events by Sycophants Team (SaDDEST) – a long-defunct local secret society, with closely guarded membership, strange handshakes and some morally questionable initiation rituals.

SomersetClive is hovering annoyingly over the diggers and will report any finds as they develop.

One thought on “Excavations uncover mysterious relic

  1. Gerry and the Recently Fitted Pacemakers!


    Here there so many ambulance with sirens going off. People haven’t put two and two together and realised vaccine side effects on the hearts. There must be more of an awakening in Britain … surely?

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